*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there
Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
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If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom
‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
You Had One Job
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.