all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Who.
Did.
This?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.