@kerouac741
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
@MondayPajamas
Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there
Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem
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@kerouac741
@LeahsLounge
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
@blade_funner
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
@hippieswordfish
‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom
‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
@JermHimselfish
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
@CutPics
You Had One Job
@slyoung5
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
@Trick_or_tweet
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
@WheelTod
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
@Oh_God_Why_Me
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.