@MondayPajamas

Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem

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@LeahsLounge

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

@blade_funner

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@JermHimselfish

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

@slyoung5

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

@Oh_God_Why_Me

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.