Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
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look at me when i’m typing to you
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
This guy’s not having it 😆
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated