welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
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You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My life coach traded me.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Oh my God.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant