Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.