HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines