Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.