@vanderwangwe

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

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@scot7a

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

@Royal_Stein

Do you think a gooses car horn is just a human saying “honk”?

@DanMentos

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

@AmericanGent69

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

@PettyRuxpin83

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

@iGreenMonk

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.