Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.