Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..


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*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?


My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.


There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.


The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.


Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job


They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”


Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.


No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.


I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know


Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked