@lucky_300

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

You Might Also Like

@oxygenplug

*you see a bear approaching you*
Quick play dead!
*bears comes running up*
Oh god! OH GOD! What’s happening!? Wake up! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?

@MelvinofYork

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

@BMcCarthy32

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

@Sarcasmo718

The guy I just cut off thinks he’s gonna destroy my car with high beams.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

@Elizasoul80

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

@jenniferfralic

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

@mrtruthandsoul

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

@whatmaddness

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

@ChaseMit

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked