Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
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Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Stop.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*