Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I’m not stressed
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.