Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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[eats all your cotton candy]
Someone just threatened to call me later
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
A ghost story
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?