I like to eat a handful of paperclips right before I walk through a metal detector cuz I got all day, pal.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Her: Blindfold me.
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.