Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.