Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
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*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!