HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
That’s what I call a flat tire
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust