HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.