HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

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The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.


“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”


Kid: What’s a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom


Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either pronounced Shaun Baun or Seen Bean. You can’t have it both ways.


her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*


If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.


Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer


I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.


After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a c**t.


I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”