HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
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I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away