Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
This 4th of July, please remember…
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I think we should hear other voices.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.