@TheMichaelRock

Her: ID please

Me: for?

Her: alcohol

Me: my beard is almost white

Her: still need it

Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station

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@iwearaonesie

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

@elizabeth_fels

Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot

Juliet possum: [plays dead]

Romeo possum: Not cool, babe

@BuckyIsotope

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

@FeralCrone

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

@EwdatsGROSS

First base: drinks

Second base: hooking up

Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!

@shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@mondaypunday

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

@jonnysun

wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”