wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
Her: ID please
Me: my beard is almost white
Her: still need it
Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
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Romeo possum: [kissing] You’re so hot
Juliet possum: [plays dead]
Romeo possum: Not cool, babe
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?
Her: What’s zombiefy?
Me: …Your hair looks great!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”