Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play