Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

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Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”


me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?


I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that


I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.


In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.


My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.


I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.