Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
You Might Also Like
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
A friend sent me this.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Wait a second…