Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.