Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

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[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?


“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.


Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?


If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:

– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female


Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can’t do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like “You guys don’t know her very well”


Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.


My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.


Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.


The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?


People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.