@Goddamnit_Jason

Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

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@clichedout

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

@HatfieldAnne

“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.

@TimODee16

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

@jazmasta

If you are unsure whether your kitten is male or female try this:

– Tickle it
– If HE laughs it’s a male
– If SHE laughs it’s a female

@edanto_

Your girlfriend is so good in bed but can’t do house chores. When your relatives complain you be like “You guys don’t know her very well”

@

Ikea meatballs pulled from shelves because they contain horse meat. Man, that’s the last time I buy meatballs at a furniture store.

@elle91

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

@skickwriter

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

@Swishergirl24

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

@DurtMcHurtt

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.