This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.