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*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”