@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

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@philmann

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

@juliussharpe

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

@LRenceFivvens

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

@tnylgn

If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.

@robdelaney

I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@daemonic3

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

@YoungNobler

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

@mattgallo123

If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.

@hermanntrude

Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT