HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”


Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.


Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*


If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.


I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.


After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”


*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”


I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.


Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT