Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
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99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
それは草
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow