Give a man a cat and he eats for a day. Give him too many cats, and people will be like, “Are you giving cats to that guy who eats cats?!?”
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I just think of unfollowers as me paying my Follower Tax.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Me: we are in Spain
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname