HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
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absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!