HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…


Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…


[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?


STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous


Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.



Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word


In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”nnnExpecting that Father of the Year award any day now


No thanks lady, I don’t need a tray

I’ll just use my four hands to carry all these coffee’s


I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.


If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?