@bacon_gillepic
@TheKrisWilson
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
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@TheKrisWilson
@hollyshortall
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
@TheBoydP
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
@david8hughes
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
@Cpin42
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
@squirrel74wkgn
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
@Holy_Mowgli
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
@Moe_Murdah
Boyfriend questionnaire:
1) Have job?
2) Have car?
3) Have goals?If you answer yes to any of the above questions thanks but no thanks.
@SlowSlownews
Meanwhile in Northern Ireland.
@CulturedRuffian
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
