Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Girl, same.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.