HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.


“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”


Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?


*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?


My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.


Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.


[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*


I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets


Health tip: There’s never a ‘safe’ time to shake a teenage boy’s hand. Never.