@ArfMeasures

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

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@rickygervais

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

@MaryKoCo

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

@AGreaterMonster

Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?

@heyitsJudeD

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

@SocialustGal13

My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That’s the last time we’re playing Monopoly.

@AthenaMystique

Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.

@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

@Godhatespants

I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets

@Mothpete

Health tip: There’s never a ‘safe’ time to shake a teenage boy’s hand. Never.