her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
You Might Also Like
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.