My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
jesus, what did this guy do
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that