@Doc_Tweetz

Her: I’m a model.

Him: Oh cool, what agency?

Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.

Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.

Her: Oh what, in the army?

Him: No, Call of Duty.

You Might Also Like

@LlamaInaTux

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

@AndrewNadeau0

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@Cpin42

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

@laurenreeves

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

@mewritesgood

Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”

@JeremyInKC

Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.