Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Her: I’m a model.
Him: Oh cool, what agency?
Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.
Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.
Her: Oh what, in the army?
Him: No, Call of Duty.
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Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Emo Kids: you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”
Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.