@Tups13

Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!

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@ibid78

The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. “It’s 5486,” says one guy, but it could’ve been 8 guys.

@UncleDuke1969

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

@clichedout

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@KrangTNelson

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

@discountzen

I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.

@Jennifergr8

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

@krisv_723

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?