Her: I’m a model.
Me: You look so real!

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The year is 2072. Numbers have lost all meaning. It could be 3247 for all they know. “It’s 5486,” says one guy, but it could’ve been 8 guys.


My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.


nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep


I may be 26, but I have the body of a 16 year old. Her parents are very upset. As are the police.


Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.


Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.


[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?