[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
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Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I’m putting together a team
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.