her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower