her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

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me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip


Yea autocorrect….I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks.



Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.


Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.


him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar


Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.

Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.

Me: That’s different, that’s food.