Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna