We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?
BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
As a gift to my girlfriend, Tola, I tattooed her name on myself in the mirror and I think that says alot