@JohnLyonTweets
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
@mrjohndarby
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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@JohnLyonTweets
@Sassafrantz
Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.
@TheNYAMProject
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
@Mardigroan
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
@RunwayDan
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
@GoodZiIIa
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
@TragicAllyHere
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
@Carbosly
When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think “wow, whoever sat here was very thin”.
@MrSpoonicorn
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
@sofarrsogud
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.