her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
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Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!