HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

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nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free


Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*


Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off


I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction


1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?


[creating foxes]

GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky


Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.


I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.