HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
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my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down