@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

- @ClichedOut

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@s8n

Nothing says true love like sacrificing someone to Satan together

@mattbooshell

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

@wolfpupy

i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass

@withanewname

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

@tweetingdouche

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@foxnerdrn

If he doesn’t sleep with a life-sized replica of you made of human hair and deli meats, he’s not as into you as I am.

@JasonLastname

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

@iinkedZombie

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle