@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

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@liv_thatsme

*babysitting*

Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?

@ch000ch

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@withanewname

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Do the dishes

Me: Can’t. Holding the baby

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Can’t. Baby

Wife: Change the baby

Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.

@clifba

The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.

@WilliamAder

If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.

@fro_vo

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

@djdarrellripley

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

@TheToddWilliams

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it’s even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

@justjohnselby

[first date]

her: any weird habits?

me: i switch words at inconvenient times

[our wedding]

priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?

me: do i