Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
her: any weird habits?
me: i switch words at inconvenient times
priest: do you take this woman to be your wife?
me: do i