“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)
Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”
“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
You Might Also Like
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.