@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

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@MumsieEsq

“DADDY!?!” (toddler calling out)

Me: “Daddy’s upstairs but can I help you with something?”

“Yes. You can go get Daddy.”

@UnFitz

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@Angibangie

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

@the_tsai_guy

People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.

@squirrel74wkgn

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

@missekay

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.

@WetzelGeek

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

@Darlainky

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.