Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
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The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows