HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Tell me you get it…🤣
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.