HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

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Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral


Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?


My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.


I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.


My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.


9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?


I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.


[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.