@dave_cactus

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

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@nerdonfire1

Apparently, the words “I’d still hit it” are words best kept to yourself at a funeral

@WilliamAder

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

@drinksmcgee

My kids are in Karate class and I’m just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.

@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?

@Cheeseboy22

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

@DurtMcHurtt

[police station]

Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!

Cop: *mumbling* am not.