her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.