Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Two types of dogs.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted