My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
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FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
dream blunt rotation
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.