Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?