Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
You Might Also Like
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
me as a parent
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled