*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
when you are just born a rebel
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”