Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Her: i’m in the mood
Me: me too
Her: wanna do it
Me: oh yeah baby
[we drive to Home Depot to look at paint]
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Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting
Lets make it happen guys!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.
-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.