@UncleDuke1969

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

You Might Also Like

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

@amazymay72x

13yo: Mom, I need 3 current issues happening in the neighborhood.

Me: How abo-

11yo: WEAK WIFI, BUFFERING, BAD DATA PLAN!

..shoot me now.

@envydatropic

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

@Gooooats

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

@kwirkyKerri

Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.

@Dawn_M_

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

@Dawn_M_

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake