Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related