Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

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Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*



Me: But what will I eat?


Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free


13yo: Mom, I need 3 current issues happening in the neighborhood.

Me: How abo-


..shoot me now.


You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside


Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.


Drops empty vodka bottles in all the neighbor’s recycling bins. So the garbage men don’t think it’s just me.


I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.


*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*


Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake