Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
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A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?