her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
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I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.